Staying Sane

It has to be said: I don’t like infants. I love my baby, he is precious and a wonderful gift from God. But I haven’t slept for more than 3 hours since March 20th. It’s seriously wearing me down. Every single part of my body is tired. Worse, I am emotionally tired. Try dealing with a toddler when you are emotionally tired. It’s not pretty. Thatcher is no where near as difficult as Thad was, but he is definitely not one of those mythical happy babies. I am the only one who can hold him. I am the only one who can soothe him, and the only one who can put him to sleep. Which basically means that I feel like every single moment of my life is centered around him. Well duh, he is a baby, what do I expect, him to change his own diapers? No, I’m not saying that any of this is abnormal, I am just saying that it is incredibly hard. And exhausting. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of full breakdown, and I have been to this point many times in the last 2+ months. And then we have a good day, or a good night, and I feel like I recuperate a bit. And then it gets gnarly again. It is very easy to forget that this will eventually get easier. I wasn’t that long ago that I did this with Thad, and I felt like I was living a never ending day of screaming baby. But gradually it got better, and easier, and involved more sleeping. This will too.

In this moment of trying to convince myself that things will get easier, and my life will return to it’s more typical state, something soothing came to mind. My MindMap. It’s nothing really, just a little exercise that I came across, I think on a blog somewhere. When I feel like my life is out of control and no longer my own, I like to check in, re-center myself and remind myself of who I am. The kind of person I want to be, the wife, the mom, etc. It is a way to visualize those compartments of yourself. Here is what mine looks like:

If I made one based on today’s life, it would look a little different. I am not currently spreading myself evenly in these areas. BUT, someday, I will again. (Laundry, I’m looking at you…hang in there…we’ll catch up some day). Looking at this makes me reassess some choices though. It’s true that I don’t have time to spend on “Everyone Else”, for example, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t take any time to “Be nice” to my husband. Definitely some things that I can work on. And, ultimately, it’s not just for his sake, but for my own.

So, Self, I am talking to you: check yo’self before you wreck yo’self. Or something like that.